23 October, 2010

Train Squash

I got onto the train the other day at Clapham Junction and there were no seats other than in one row of five, which had just four people sitting in it. The empty seat was between a very fat woman and one of those men who likes to sit with his legs wide apart to show what an incredibly large package he has. So I thought, I'm damned if I'm going to stand up all the way to Waterloo, just to accommodate your greed, on the one hand, and to pander to your illusions, on the other, so I squashed myself in between them. It was an extremely tight fit and neither one of them gave a fraction of an inch - you know how people normally shift up a bit if things are a bit tight on the bus. They obviously bitterly resented my crimping their commodious accommodation. And I bitterly resented their wanting to take up more space than they were entitled to, even if it meant other people had to stand. So we all three sat there, seething cores of resentment, all the way to Waterloo.


Blogger dgny said...

This post made me laugh out loud. I so wish you had nothing to do so you'd be bored enough to blog more often!

Both would have irritated me, but the package man more sp - after all, the fat one couldn't change much at that moment while all he had to do is squish his legs together. Perhaps he had some terrible STD and sitting in any other way would be excruciating. In that case, no doubt the walk home made him regret his devilish ways.

6:58 pm  
Blogger MacDuff said...

I havent travelled on a train since the days of British Rail - you dont make me miss it.
I remember once somewhere between London Bridge & Forest Hill standing in a compartment between a row of newspapers on either side. Seemed to suffer from a constant cold in those days. Sneezed violently and at same time, perhaps in accordance with Newtons laws of actions and reactions, a minor explosion at the other end too. Thus I simultaneously gassed the newspaper behind while covering the one in front in snot.
thought i would share that with you.

6:30 pm  
Blogger FBT said...

yessirree, there's no point trying to be dignified when one is constantly exposed to the risks of double-ended eructations. I expect it haappens to the Queen and the Archbishop of Canterbury too.

9:56 pm  

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